


Love you to death

by Claceofhearts



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Dark!Jace, Domestic Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Multi, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, hurt!clary, protective!Alec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:54:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27073801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claceofhearts/pseuds/Claceofhearts
Summary: Set after City of Heavenly Fire - Canon divergent: Can Alec save Jace from himself before it’s too late?This is a very dark fic - Please don’t read this fic if you are triggered by Intimate Partner Violence. Take care of yourselves if you decide to go ahead.This is my first fanfic ever written, so please (gently 😅) share your feedback!I dedicate it to Nadja_Lee and FlamingMaple whose Shadowhunter and Twilight fanfics gave me the confidence to finally write my own 💗
Relationships: Clary Fray/Alec Lightwood friendship, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Clary Fray/Simon Lewis Parabatai, Jace Wayland/Alec Lightwood Parabatai, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Clary

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nadja_Lee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/gifts), [FlamingMaple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlamingMaple/gifts).



After entering their bedroom at the New York Insitute, Clary hesitated for a moment before closing the door and locking it behind her. She tried to ignore the slight tremble in her hands and trepidation in her voice as she called out “Jace, are you here?” When there was only silence, Clary let out a shaky breath she didn’t even know she was holding, feeling a surge of relief flooding through her as she realised that her lover was not at home. The sense of relief was short lived as rising feelings of anxiety and guilt overwhelmed her and she sunk to her knees. Jace is sick and he needs my help! she scolded herself. He’s not in control of himself... He still loves me. I will be strong enough. I will be there for Jace. It’s our destiny to be together. I’ll love him till the day I die and even after that _._ She tried not to think about the recent signs that day could be coming sooner than anticipated and at the very hands of own her lover no less. Pushing those thoughts down, Clary mentally repeated her new mantra ‘Jace loves me, Jace loves me, Jace loves me’ to herself a few more times, hoping it would give her the strength needed to get back up off the floor. It was getting harder and harder for her to cope with each new day, she was constantly on edge, never knowing what could set Jace off at any given moment. Since Jace had changed, she had never felt more alone, not even when he had been taken by Jonathon. Clary had withdrawn from Magnus, Izzy, Luke and even Simon, though the pain of her isolation was killing her. Clary knew that if she allowed herself to spend time with any of her friends, they would quickly realise something was wrong with her... They would find out about Jace and she wouldn’t, no she couldn’t let that happen! So she had chosen to cut herself off from her support network, telling the most believable lie she could think of. Clary explained that she was so overwhelmed with the death of her brother Jonathon, she needed time and space away from everyone to overcome her confused feelings on the matter. The four people she was closest too had felt the heartbreaking pain in her voice when she had told them this, so of course they believed her, never for one second doubting her words as truth. In a way it was true enough, again found herself wondering how things would have been different if she had been able to find a way to save Jonathon... Still sitting on the floor, she felt more alone than ever and was desperate for some form of human connection. She tentatively made a plan to have a quick shower before going in search for her lovers Parabatai. Strangely enough, Alec was now the only one she could trust and confide in. Their friendship had a rocky start but Alec now knew and understood the depth of her love for Jace, how far she was willing to go to protect his Parabatai and in return had earned his deepest level of respect. Not only did he respect her but he had truly come to care for her deeply. They had taken solace in each other, sharing the burden that they alone were left to shoulder.


	2. Magnus

The strain of keeping Jace’s condition a secret, even from Magnus, especially from Magnus was starting to show. Alec had noticeably lost weight and always looked to be tired. Magnus could sense something was wrong with him but Alec had shut him out, saying only that he needed Magnus to trust him, that he was just working and training harder than usual. Whilst Magnus did believe that Alec was working and training too hard, he had in fact always believed that. No, Magnus could tell that Alec was keeping something secret from him. The knowledge that Alec was hiding something had started to eat away at Magnus. He started imagining worst case senarioes, was Alec being harassed at work because of his relationship, was it because he was openly gay or because he was dating a Warlock? Was Alec unwell and trying to hide a terminal illness? Did Alec regret his decision to be with him? Could there possibly be another...? He decided that he couldn’t let his imagination run away from him any longer, he needed to turn to Alec’s parabatai to sort this out. At this next work related visit to the Institute, Magnus saught out Jace to see whether he had any insight into what was causing Alec’s recent personality and physical changes. Rather than the helpful and caring response he had expected from him, Jace had coldly told him that he wasn’t going to get involved in their lovers spat and that he no longer wanted anything to do with the Warlock. Magnus was so shocked and angry with Jace that he walked away without responding for fear he might seriously hurt the blonde haired Shadowhunter. After giving himself time to cool down, he went back to confont Jace over his reaction but stopped short when he saw Alec and Jace whispering in harsh tones, glaring daggers at each other before Jace had stormed away down to the training room and Alec had chased after him. After witnessing their bickering, Magnus suddenly felt a whole lot better, as if all his worries regarding Alec had vanished. He felt a rush of affection towards his lover. Alec’s sweet and sensitive nature was after all what had drawn Magnus to him in the first place, like a moth to a flame. It all made sense now! Of course Alec was letting a fight with his Parabatai affect him so deeply, Alec took his sacred vows so seriously and so earnestly that he could and no doubt would blow anything out of proportion when it came to his relationship with Jace. Magnus chuckled to himself as he wondered what the boys could possibly be fighting about, perhaps his close friend and Jace’s lover Clary. A slight frown appeared on Magnus’ face as he realised that he was actually on Jace’s side, if he was indeed correct and his red headed friend was the source of the argument between the brothers. Alec had never liked Clary much but this was something he was just going to have to get over, Clary was Jace’s soulmate and one of Magnus’ dearest friends. His frown turned into a smile, certain now that this was what was wrong with Alec and that he would come around sooner rather than later. Eager to see Alec return to his usual self as soon as possible, Magnus decided to speak to Clary about this, no doubt she could smooth things over between the Parabatai by talking to Jace and convincing him to mend things with Alec. Before he moved off in search of his friend, he remembered his promise to her. His promise to give her time, time to grieve over the loss of her brother, the loss of what could have been. He would not burden her now with his own and Alec’s problems too. Knowing that left him no other choice but to wait for Alec and Jace to patch things up amongst themselves, he chose to focus only on his relief that none of the reasons he had imagined were the cause of Alec’s weight loss and agitation. Feeling reassured and relieved, Magnus opened a portal and stepped through into his loft. When Alec arrived home later that night, Magnus had embraced him so tightly, telling him he would be there for him no matter what and that he was loved by Magnus like no other had been before. Tears of pain that Magnus misread as ‘happy crying’ stung in Alec’s eyes before he replied “I love you too Magnus, don’t ever forget that.” They spent the night together in each other’s arms, Magnus was feeling peaceful and content whilst Alec felt guilty and nauseous.


	3. Alec

Since that night, Alec had moved back to the Institute. Magnus had been told that he was working on a temporary but major project for the Clave, an amazing opportunity for Alec to further advance Shadowhunter and Downworlder relations. Truthfully he was simply avoiding going home, avoiding the guilty feelings that he just couldn’t ignore when he was there. Lying to Magnus didn’t feel quite as bad when he didn’t have to look him in the eyes. He also didn’t want to admit, even to himself, that there was another reason for his staying at the Institute. Alec had a small niggling fear that if he wasn’t there and able to get to Jace in a hurry, he would hurt Clary again, hurt her in a way that couldn’t be healed with a Iratze. Over the past few months, Jace’s blackouts had become more frequent, and Clary had been left more badly injured each time. Initially, they all thought he had been cursed or put under some form of demonic magical interference. When Magnus unknowingly ruled that out, the brothers had exhausted the archives of the library, searching endlessly to identify what that was be afflicting Jace. Frustratingly, they were still no closer to figuring out what was wrong with him now, than they were when it first started. The only thing they knew for certain was that whatever it was only affected Jace and not his Parabatai. Clary believed him to be ‘mentally ill’ as she called it, a Mundane sickness that could have been caused by any of the significant ‘traumas’ he had experienced in his life so far. Alec and Jace knew that Shadowhunters did not really experience trauma or any other Mundane illnesses but appreciated that Clary was trying her best to be supportive and had remained loyal to Jace despite it all. Alec had sworn her to secrecy regarding Jace’s condition. If the Clave ever found out that one of their Shadowhunters, had lost control of himself, well that person would be heading to the Silent City with a one-way ticket. Alec scowled as he thought about the fact that the Clave would not have cared in the slightest if Jace was choosing to beat Clary. With no laws against or even acknowledgement of intimate partner violence, there would be no condemnation for his actions. No, what would upset the Clave was the knowledge that one of the most famed and loyal soldiers was now a loose cannon, just waiting to go off at any moment. The Clave wouldn’t be able to trust Jace or care about all that he had sacrificed for them, they would only see him as a potential threat. Alec couldn’t fix what was wrong with Jace, all he could do was ensure that the Clave never found out about any of this. Jace and Alec had recently been having the same argument over and over again. Jace wanted to hand himself over to the Clave, unable to live with what he had done and fearful of what he could be capable of doing in future. Jace may have been unable to live knowing that he had hurt Clary, but he was unable to die knowing it would kill Alec if he were to give himself up. They both knew that Jace would be immediately executed by the Clave and that a part of Alec’s soul would die along with him. Not only that but Alec had made it clear that he would follow Jace into the afterlife. He could not and would not live without him. It helped Alec to believe that this condition was temporary, he wouldn’t lose Jace permanently, over something that wasn’t forever. So the two had come to an uneasy agreement that Jace wouldn’t turn himself in to the Clave and Alec had to ensure that Jace would never hurt Clary again. So far, since making this bargain there had been no further incidents and he wanted to keep it that way. Alec worried his lip and wished the council meeting he was in would end quickly. He realised he hadn’t seen Clary for a few hours and was determined to keep his promise to Jace. He would stop Jace from hurting Clary. If Clary was hurt again, he knew it would be his fault, again. He also knew it was so selfish to leave Clary vulnerable to further harm but he just couldn’t live in a world without Jace. He had offered to send Clary away to another Institute to keep her safe but neither Clary nor Jace had even considering this option, refusing to be parted. Alec felt his resolve harden knowing he had no other choice, he would save Clary from Jace and he would save Jace from himself or he would die trying.


	4. Clary

The sound of the bedroom door opening woke her. Clary rubbed her eyes groggily, she hadn’t intended on falling asleep and wasn’t sure what the time was. She turned her head in the direction of the sound and saw Jace come into focus. The mere sight of him sent panic flooding through her bones, her heart began pounding and she felt frozen in place. She eyed Jace warily but made no movement to go to him nor any movement to get away from him. She would wait for Jace to set the tone for how this interaction would go. She longed for the days past where she would have flung herself into his arms the moment she saw him. Thinking of those happier times brought tears to her eyes and she felt betrayed by her own body. She didn’t want Jace to see her like this, he wanted her to be strong and she wanted to please him. She wanted to be glad to see him walk through the door, not stuck in flight, fight or fright response. As a lone tear trickled down her cheek, a sinister smile spread wide across Jace’s face and he turned to close and lock the door. Clary instinctively began to back away from him until she was up against the wall. “Please don’t hurt me” she whispered a mere second before Jace’s hand connected with her face, knocking her to the floor. “You are pathetic” he sneered, lifting her chin, forcing her to stare into his beautiful golden eyes as he pulled her up off the ground. “Why do I waste my time with you Clary?” he sighed. She felt her cheeks flushing red and looked down in a stony silence, ashamed and confused. When it became clear she wasn’t going to answer the question, Jace continued on “I guess I haven’t made myself clear enough. Have I not taught you the rules by now?” Another question met with silence. Jace’s sudden shout of “Never show weakness!” caused her to flinch but she kept her gaze fixed on the ground. He paused for a moment before quietly asking her “Don’t you see that I’m doing this for your own good? I am trying to help you, I need you to be strong...” Clary had only recently faced the hard truth that she wasn’t as strong as she had once thought. The voice inside her head taunted her cruelly, how foolish she had been... She was weak. She couldn’t fix Jace. At first she had tried to fight back but she was overpowered so quickly, now she just endured her punishments knowing that there was no point resisting, if anything it made things worse. She still loved Jace even though doubts were creeping into her mind questioning if he still loved her. If he did love her, how could he treat her this way? Clary knew that Jace had always been cold towards others but he had only ever showered her with such kindness and attention, she just couldn’t understand this drastic change in him. Why did it only seem to be affecting his relationship with Clary? Jace was still able to function and perform his role as a Shadowhunter everyday. Yes, he was noticably closed off towards anyone apart from Alec, but it had always been that way, the only difference was that now he no longer pretended to care about anyone or anything else. Clary felt certain that the trauma he must have sustained during his upbringing with Valentine was finally revealing itself now that the Shadowhunters were safe from the threat of Jonathon. But why was his trauma manifesting in such a violent way, directed only towards her? Clary knew deep in her heart that it must have been something that she was doing (or not doing) or had done that was making Jace suffer so badly that he was losing his mind. Perhaps she had reminded him of her father. She had always thought she looked like her mother but she couldn’t deny that there was some form of resembelance... She couldn’t hold back the tears now as she wished with all her heart that she knew what she was doing wrong so she could change! She just couldn’t see any rhyme or reason to the pattern of Jace’s episodes... Some days he seemed mostly like his usual self and other days... Well Clary was certainly glad that being a Shadowhunter and Iratzes made it so easy to hide the evidence of anything untoward. Clary felt better knowing she was able to protect Jace from what other people would think and also to protect Alec from worrying too much about them both. Alec had told Clary that he would take care of her and asked her to go to him if she was ever hurt again, no matter the time, location or situation. Clary loved him for his gentle, sweet and caring heart but she knew that this was a matter between lovers. There was no need to drag Alec (and by default Magnus) down with her. All that would accomplish would be Alec feeling as if he had failed her in some way. She knew Alec had a tendancy to take the blame for other’s wrongdoings and even worse she knew he would sometimes punish himself for failing. Alec didn’t know but Jace had told Clary about Alec’s self worth issues and his habit to engage in self-harm by intentionally injuring himself during training, patrols or by restricting his food intake. She would not let that happen here. No, there was no point at all, so instead Clary and Jace had led Alec to believe there had been no further injuries since they had last spoken about it. Clary suddenly felt her head and neck jolt backwards before she realised with a start that she had been lost in her own miserable thoughts, something that was happening more and often. Clary had not yet responded to Jace, who was now roughly shaking her back and forth to gain her attention. She knew that he would not have appreciated being ignored by her, even if it was unintentional. He wanted her to pay attention during his punishments so that she could do better next time, though she never quite knew what doing better would look like. Clary dropped to her knees before whispering “I’m, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry for everything.” She hoped he would see how sorry she truly was, how much she loved him, how much she wanted to be there for him no matter what. Jace took in her words before fisting a tight handful of thick red hair and yanked her painfully to standing, whilst calmly replying “No, you’re not sorry yet but you will be.” He had already managed to knock her down with just one hit earlier and she was now determined to show him that she was trying to be strong for him. Not that she could be strong, but she could try. Clary wanted to bear as much of the violence as she possibly could whilst remaining upright so she stood at attention and braced herself for the pain. It was better to get the punishment over and done with in so many ways as she would now know where they stood for the rest of the day. After an episode, Jace would always be so caring and affectionate towards her, holding her and whispering sweet nothings. Even though her heartbeat thundered in her ears and her stomach twisted itself into knots at the touch of his skin, in those moments Clary was almost able to pretend that nothing had changed between them. Those moments were the only thing she had to look forward to anymore. Jace kissed her gently on the forehead before reminding her “Just remember that I’m doing this for you.” and waited for her to nod in response. Seemingly satisfied with her agreement, he pulled his arms back and brought down punch after punch after punch upon her. After losing count of the blows she had recieved, she had finally given in and fallen to the floor. The hits stopped coming and she thought it was finally over but then Jace had started to kick her in the stomach over and over again. After that, she closed her eyes and saught comfort within her own mind. She wanted to hide away in her memories of the past, of Simon, her mother and Luke, of her life before she became a Shadowhunter, before she had met Jace. On some level Clary registered that something was happening to her body, but she was suddenly feeling too tired to care. Within minutes she felt herself falling into darkness as her mind, body and soul gave in. Even as she lay unconcious, Jace had continued to hurt her, continued to make her sorry.


	5. Jace and Clary

When Jace woke up, the first thing he noticed was just how utterly exhausted he felt, his body ached all over, especially his arms and his hands. He glanced down to see that his knuckles were bloodied and bruised. He must have pushed himself too hard in the training room and ‘forgotten’ to use an iratze, again. That was usually more Alec’s style but recently Jace had been spending a lot of time in the training room, burning off his heightened levels of energy, fear, frustration and anger. Jace suddenly jerked himself upright, a cold sweat breaking out over his skin, every hair on his body standing on end as it dawned on him that he hadn’t actually been to the training room yet today. The last thing he remembered before he awoke a moment ago was making his way down to the training room after yet another afternoon wasted in the library researching his... curse/affliction/possession/whatever the hell was wrong with him. If he had just been affected again, he needed to get to Clary and make sure she was okay. Where would she be right now? He looked around the room and his heart just about stopped beating when he saw her. Clary was laying on the floor curled in on herself, her face and body were so bloody, bruised and swollen that he wouldn’t have even known who she was if it weren’t for the unmistakable mane of unruly red hair. Panic and bile rose up in his chest as he realised he had killed the only person he had ever truly loved and who had in turn loved him. Jace let out a wretched sob from deep within before he started screaming out for his parabatai. Clary moved ever so slightly, seemingly in response to the loud noise, trying to turn away from it. Becoming aware that Clary was still alive, Jace felt he had recieved a gift straight from Heaven itself. He rushed over and marked her still and quiet body with iratze after iratze. When he had drawn healing runes on every inch of her naked skin, he finally sank to the floor, next to his beloved, with head in his hands. 

After what seemed like forever to Jace but was really only mere moments later, Clary slowly tried to blink her puffy eyes open. Her left eye was still so badly swollen that she couldn’t see anything at all and the vision in her right eye was blurred and marked by fuzzy black spots. Opening her eyes had done nothing except increase the throbbing pain in her head and she just wanted to go back to the comfort of her dreams. As she closed her eyes again, she felt someone shaking her, telling her she had to stay awake. That voice... She felt too hurt and exhausted to try and get away from him, knowing that no matter what she did, he would always be stronger and faster. He was going to kill her right now. Clary decided that in that moment she didn’t actually mind the thought of dying right now. She couldn’t live like this any longer. She just wished she could have told her friends and family that she was sorry, that she loved them, just one more time... She waited for the fatal blow that never came. Instead the voice whispered “I don’t deserve you Clary... Hell, I don’t even deserve to live anymore, I’m a monster.” Jace... he was her Jace again, finally. Clary blindly reached out for him, gripping her hands painfully tight on his shirt, afraid that if she loosened her grip, he would slip away from her again.

Jace reached out to brush her blood soaked hair out of her face, letting an audible gasp fill the room as he revealed a previously hidden series of bruises, ugly purple and black stains on her perfect porcelain skin. Jace felt daggers in his heart as he realised just how badly he had beaten her. This time was the worst it had been. It hadn’t been this bad recently... he and Clary had even managed to keep the past few assaults hidden from Alec, not wanting to worry him further or force him to separate them, something that Jace had selfishly and stupidly refused to allow. He almost laughed at fate’s sick sense of humour, he had wanted to keep her close, to keep her safe and protected but it turned out that all along she needed to be protected from him. “To love is to destroy and that to be loved is to be the one destroyed.” Jace couldn’t believe that Valentine had been right the whole time.


	6. Jace

Clary and Jace stayed in silence until a vibrating sound brought Jace out of his reverie. Looking at his phone screen he saw that Clary’s parabatai was calling him. “Fuck, it’s Simon” he said and was surprised to hear a whispered response from Clary, who hadn’t spoken a single word since she had woken. “He must know I’m... I couldn’t keep the bond closed. I, I lost control. I’m sorry.” Jace was speechless and sick to his stomach, after everything that had just happened between them, how could he even begin to explain that she had nothing to be sorry for, that he would spend the rest of his miserable life trying to show her how sorry he was? Jace settled for pulling away from Clary and looking around for her phone instead, needing to get on top or the Simon situation before he showed up knocking on their door in a panicked state. Jace entered his date of birth to unlock her phone and saw she had 27 missed calls and 9 messages. He briefly scanned through the texts to see the majority were recently from Simon asking her to get in contact with him ASAP, and one or two older ones from Magnus and Isabelle sending their love. Clary’s phone screen flashed as another text from Simon came through. ‘I can feel that something is seriously wrong through our bond. I tried calling Jace and he didn’t answer either. Don’t worry, I’m going to find you. Everything is going to be alright.’ Jace looked down at Clary who remained silent and motionless on the floor, curled up still but with her arms stretched out from where she had been holding onto his shirt and he bitterly thought that no, nothing was ever going to be alright ever again. Jace spoke up again, “Simon is on his way here.” This seemed to light a fire from underneath Clary, she stood up shakily and gestured towards the bathroom with her head, before looking back at Jace, seemingly seeking his approval to leave the room. He looked back at her and realised that she looked a lot better now that she was standing. The iratze’s had been doing their job well, the swelling was gone completely and all that remained were some fading bruises and dried blood stains. When she had been curled up in the fetal position, he hadn’t seen the dried blood and bruises on her inner thighs... A wave of nausea washed over him and he vomited all over the floor. “Go... go wash” he managed to gasp out before backing away from her. Clary’s eyes filled with tears again before she walked away into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Jace stumbled backwards until he felt the vanity behind him. He turned to look in the mirror and was disgusted. The face he had known his whole life stared back, but he didn’t recognise the person he had become, didn’t understand how he could do these things to the one he loved, the most pure and selfless girl in the world. Jace angrily lashed out at his reflection, shattering the mirror into hundreds of tiny shards. Jace picked up a slither of glass and thought about how much he hated himself. He squeezed his hand around the sharp edges, squeezing tighter and tighter. Watching the blood drip down his hand and pool into a small puddle, a calm sense of relief flooded over him as he realised he could punish himself, hurt himself, like he had hurt her.


End file.
